FOLLOW UP TO SPANKING AWAY THE ADDICTION

I want to start by saying thank you to everyone who has supported and encouraged me in my endeavor to end my 24 year addiction to cigarettes.

I apologize for taking so long with this follow up.

Truth is, this has been harder on me than I thought it was going to be, in more ways than one.

Okay.....the good news is that as of 6:00 p.m. tonight, it will have been two (2!) weeks since I have had a cigarette.

That's 280 cigarettes that I would have smoked.

 That's $112.00 that I have saved.

The bad news is that the last two weeks have sucked.

I thought that once the 72 hours had passed (the time it takes to clear the nicotine from the body) that I was home free.........NOT!

I have been horribly moody, and very stressed out. Nothing else has changed, just that can't smoke. The problem is, that for 24 years, whenever I got stressed out about something, I would smoke, and it made me feel sooo much better.

Now when I get stressed out, I chew gum.

Not the same.

At all.

So the first week was hard, but I got through it with help from my hubby. And he did tell me in the beginning that just because I'm quitting smoking that all of our other rules still apply.

Like just because I can't have a cigarette doesn't mean that I can be bitchy, rude or disrespectful to anyone.

That I will still be held accountable for any rules I break on top of what I need to keep me from smoking.

Bet you're thinking I've been spanked a lot, huh?

Nope.

Only the first week.

This last week has been so crazy for my husband at work, that we haven't seen much of each other.....maybe an hour each night.

So I had to do it on my own.

 He wasn't there to spank me when I felt weak, or when I wanted to give up, or when I was bitchy, or irritable, or even for encouragement.

But it wasn't his fault.

It wasn't his choice.

I have found myself breaking lots of rules this last week because of it......................



1.    I broke my budget rule. I knew what I was doing. But it made me happy to shop. It kept me busy so I wouldn't think about smoking.




I cuss like a sailor when I'm stressed.



Cuz that's how I roll.......



2.    I cussed the remote control.......... my phone.......... my ipad,..........my mustang.......... the bitch that looked at me funny while I was driving my mustang.......... Walmart................ the self checkout at Walmart............ my mailbox....... my stove when it broke my fingernail.............. my broken fingernail.......... traffic lights....... the public school system................... my bathroom mirror for making me look fat................ the toothpick that stabbed through my foot when I stepped on it............. and the pimple on the tip of my nose......I mean, who gets pimples at 38 years old??




3.   I broke my seat belt rule a few times because I felt like rebelling against something.......(yeah, I know).




4.  Negative talk about myself..........I don't know if cigarettes give you beer goggles, but this last week without them I have felt fat and ugly and old. I have picked myself apart with a fine toothed comb.




5.  I have been in a continual irritated/grumpy mood.



6.  I didn't get my hubby's approval on my shopping lists before I went shopping.



7.   I did not provide receipts for said shopping lists.



And 8.  Temper tantrums.

 Okay, I'm admitting here and now to everyone that I can get a little bit crazy.

 I think all the stress from the week had built up to the boiling point and I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown last night, but instead of running through the house screaming and breaking stuff, I decided to write everything that was going on in my head down in my journal.

 My written temper tantrum.

I'm not proud of this, and it's quite embarrassing to share this with everybody..........

Don't judge me.......

Well, I guess you can if you want to..........

but it went a little something like this:

"I am on the verge of a fucking meltdown right now. Everything sucks ass. I am overwhelmed.

 I never have enough time to do everything, then I am rushing around trying to everything at once.

 I need a fucking cigarette. I am fat. I am old. I am disgusting. I still have that fucking pimple on my nose.

My hair looks like shit. Nothing I have looks good on me. I'm tired of cooking. I'm tired of cleaning.

My foot fucking hurts. I am not happy. I am in pain. I am responsible for everything. Whatever is in my foot fucking hurts. I need a fucking cigarette.

I want to scream........... I want to yell......... I want to run............... But I can't because my fucking knee hurts and that fucking thing is still in my foot and I'm too fat.

And nobody likes me.............. and everything sucks........... and nothing is fair.............. and nobody understands what I'm going through......... and my new phone pisses me off.......... and I don't like change........... and I'm starting to feel a little better the more I yell on this paper............. I am having a written temper tantrum right now because everything sucks........ and I hate this town................ and  my husband works so hard........... and we haven't had sex in a week........... and I'm hot......... and I'm cold........ and I feel............"

I stopped writing then because my husband came home and walked in the bedroom and saw me all messy faced from crying and sat down next to me and read everything that I had just written. He kissed my forehead and said "I love you so much".

I said, "I know you do....I just don't know why.........."

He smiled at me and wiped the tears from my face and told me that I was the most awesome wife that he could ever ask for and a whole bunch of other mushy stuff that I'm going to keep just for me.

Suddenly I felt overwhelming peace and love and that all that crazy stuff that I just wrote wasn't reality.

 Things weren't as bad as they had seemed. I had made it through my meltdown without running to the store to buy cigarettes and without insulting anyone or causing any damage or scaring anyone.

I may have scarred my Journal for life with everything I wrote in there though.

One day at a time.

I'm making it.

I haven't gained weight.

It's gotta get better from here though.............I mean, surely it can't get any worse, right?











~Princess xoxo