Wednesday, October 19, 2011


I want to start by saying thank you to everyone who has supported and encouraged me in my endeavor to end my 24 year addiction to cigarettes.

I apologize for taking so long with this follow up.

Truth is, this has been harder on me than I thought it was going to be, in more ways than one.

Okay.....the good news is that as of 6:00 p.m. tonight, it will have been two (2!) weeks since I have had a cigarette.

That's 280 cigarettes that I would have smoked.

 That's $112.00 that I have saved.

The bad news is that the last two weeks have sucked.

I thought that once the 72 hours had passed (the time it takes to clear the nicotine from the body) that I was home free.........NOT!

I have been horribly moody, and very stressed out. Nothing else has changed, just that can't smoke. The problem is, that for 24 years, whenever I got stressed out about something, I would smoke, and it made me feel sooo much better.

Now when I get stressed out, I chew gum.

Not the same.

At all.

So the first week was hard, but I got through it with help from my hubby. And he did tell me in the beginning that just because I'm quitting smoking that all of our other rules still apply.

Like just because I can't have a cigarette doesn't mean that I can be bitchy, rude or disrespectful to anyone.

That I will still be held accountable for any rules I break on top of what I need to keep me from smoking.

Bet you're thinking I've been spanked a lot, huh?


Only the first week.

This last week has been so crazy for my husband at work, that we haven't seen much of each other.....maybe an hour each night.

So I had to do it on my own.

 He wasn't there to spank me when I felt weak, or when I wanted to give up, or when I was bitchy, or irritable, or even for encouragement.

But it wasn't his fault.

It wasn't his choice.

I have found myself breaking lots of rules this last week because of it......................

1.    I broke my budget rule. I knew what I was doing. But it made me happy to shop. It kept me busy so I wouldn't think about smoking.

I cuss like a sailor when I'm stressed.

Cuz that's how I roll.......

2.    I cussed the remote control.......... my phone.......... my ipad, mustang.......... the bitch that looked at me funny while I was driving my mustang.......... Walmart................ the self checkout at Walmart............ my mailbox....... my stove when it broke my fingernail.............. my broken fingernail.......... traffic lights....... the public school system................... my bathroom mirror for making me look fat................ the toothpick that stabbed through my foot when I stepped on it............. and the pimple on the tip of my nose......I mean, who gets pimples at 38 years old??

3.   I broke my seat belt rule a few times because I felt like rebelling against something.......(yeah, I know).

4.  Negative talk about myself..........I don't know if cigarettes give you beer goggles, but this last week without them I have felt fat and ugly and old. I have picked myself apart with a fine toothed comb.

5.  I have been in a continual irritated/grumpy mood.

6.  I didn't get my hubby's approval on my shopping lists before I went shopping.

7.   I did not provide receipts for said shopping lists.

And 8.  Temper tantrums.

 Okay, I'm admitting here and now to everyone that I can get a little bit crazy.

 I think all the stress from the week had built up to the boiling point and I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown last night, but instead of running through the house screaming and breaking stuff, I decided to write everything that was going on in my head down in my journal.

 My written temper tantrum.

I'm not proud of this, and it's quite embarrassing to share this with everybody..........

Don't judge me.......

Well, I guess you can if you want to..........

but it went a little something like this:

"I am on the verge of a fucking meltdown right now. Everything sucks ass. I am overwhelmed.

 I never have enough time to do everything, then I am rushing around trying to everything at once.

 I need a fucking cigarette. I am fat. I am old. I am disgusting. I still have that fucking pimple on my nose.

My hair looks like shit. Nothing I have looks good on me. I'm tired of cooking. I'm tired of cleaning.

My foot fucking hurts. I am not happy. I am in pain. I am responsible for everything. Whatever is in my foot fucking hurts. I need a fucking cigarette.

I want to scream........... I want to yell......... I want to run............... But I can't because my fucking knee hurts and that fucking thing is still in my foot and I'm too fat.

And nobody likes me.............. and everything sucks........... and nothing is fair.............. and nobody understands what I'm going through......... and my new phone pisses me off.......... and I don't like change........... and I'm starting to feel a little better the more I yell on this paper............. I am having a written temper tantrum right now because everything sucks........ and I hate this town................ and  my husband works so hard........... and we haven't had sex in a week........... and I'm hot......... and I'm cold........ and I feel............"

I stopped writing then because my husband came home and walked in the bedroom and saw me all messy faced from crying and sat down next to me and read everything that I had just written. He kissed my forehead and said "I love you so much".

I said, "I know you do....I just don't know why.........."

He smiled at me and wiped the tears from my face and told me that I was the most awesome wife that he could ever ask for and a whole bunch of other mushy stuff that I'm going to keep just for me.

Suddenly I felt overwhelming peace and love and that all that crazy stuff that I just wrote wasn't reality.

 Things weren't as bad as they had seemed. I had made it through my meltdown without running to the store to buy cigarettes and without insulting anyone or causing any damage or scaring anyone.

I may have scarred my Journal for life with everything I wrote in there though.

One day at a time.

I'm making it.

I haven't gained weight.

It's gotta get better from here though.............I mean, surely it can't get any worse, right?

~Princess xoxo


  1. WAY TO GO :) thats awesome - you had your meltdown - that you are entitled to - and you didnt succumb - WAY TO GO YOU :)
    And your hubby is so awesome too :) im sure you will get your spanking when things settle down again for him at work :) just to make up for the things you have done - coz im sure he is a pretty good HOH and wont let you off the hook.
    Keep up the good work - proud of you
    Love and hugs kiwi xxx

  2. Oh Kiwi, you are an absolute doll:) Thanks for the cheers :) I'm hoping I was entitled to that meltdown...still not so sure on that one.

    And yep, you are right, I know he will catch up with me sooner or later. And I know I will deserve it.

    ~Princess xoxo

  3. Oh doll! I'm so proud of you! That is not easy. It will get easier though. Just don't give up. Once you abstain from it, if you fall off the wagon, you'll hate yourself for having to start over. You can do it and something like this doesn't make a hubby fall out of love. I'm sure your vulnerability right now makes you more lovable.

    Hang in there!!!

  4. I was feeling so sorry for you until I got to the part where you said you are old? 38-old?
    Are you fucking (your favorite word)kidding me?
    I'm still rooting for you. As Kelly said "hang in there."

  5. If anybody understands....... It is I!
    Huge well done because 2 weeks feels like a lifetime without the safety net of cigarettes. And you've got through the meltdown and STILL didn't have one!!!!
    I get every little thing you said in this post, I know I would feel the same........ You should be very proud of yourself for getting this far and it sounds like hubby is doing a brilliant job of supporting you :)
    Keep going, you WILL do this......... Feel free to email me if you ever feel like having a rant or just need to blow off steam.

    Dee x

  6. That was a fantastic meltdown...we all have to go ahead and have them sometimes and you are under a ton of stress.

    I'm guessing that the spanking is going to catch up with your sooner or later but right now I think maybe you need a little weekend vacation with lots and lots of spoiling.

    A girl can hope for another girl can't she?

    Keep it up, it'll get better.

  7. First off, you rock!!! That is so great that you haven't smoked in 2 weeks...way to go!!!

    Secondly, you are not old. In less than a month I'm going to be 45 and trust me, 38 is not old:)!

    And last, but not least, I don't condemn you for having a written temper tantrum AT ALL! Sometimes a girl just needs to get it all out.


    P.S. A suggestion I have is to replace your cig. addiction with working out. That will help, too, from what I've read. Best wishes!!!!!

  8. Kelly~ Thank you so much, you're so sweet:) And yes you are right, I would hate myself if I gave in now. I'm holding on strong!

    Sweetpea~ LOL no, I know 38 isn't old, but when everything was going wrong and I was having my "moment" that's how I felt. I'm not fat or ugly or old, but my meltdown included a lot of pity-party-ing, in case you couldn't tell :)

    Dee~ I'm so glad you can relate! Makes me feel better about sharing that! You will probably be getting an email from me the next time I have a major meltdown ;0)

    Susie~ Aww thank you for "hoping" for me! My hubby does read this so maybe he will take your advice :) (HINT HINT) So glad other women can relate to my meltdown too!

    Kitty~ Your comment made me feel better:) And about replacing the addiction, I know that does work, I became addicted to ZUMBA and I LOVED it!!!! But Then my knee got all jacked up because of it and I had to have surgery 4 months ago. Now I can't do any running or long bouts of walking ever again :( Biking or lifting weights is about all I can do now. Blah.

    ~Princess xoxo

  9. Nooooo I couldn't tell.
    I meant to tell you, the problem isn't that you haven't had a cigarette in 2 weeks; it's that you haven't been fucked in a week. Lol.

  10. :) look at it this way, the nicotine is a drug in your system that your system has come to depend on - you are bound to have withdrawls from that as you stop - so yes the meltdown completely reasonable & understandable and probably more common than not :)
    way to go.
    let us know how you get on
    love and hugs kiwi xxx

  11. You go girl. Congrats on getting through two weeks of no smoking. Been there, done that and have the tee shirt. I am an ex smoker for many years now. It gets better, I promise. You will get through this and be proud of yourself.

    38 old - you've got to be kidding. You are just hitting your stride.

  12. Small steps and see you are strongr than you thought, 2 weeks that is something to be proud of. hugs

  13. WOOOO-HOOOOO You go girl! You are stronger than you know princess! To be able to have enough control over your emotions that you could stop, breathe, and write your meltdown instead of "running through the house yelling and breaking stuff" LOL. That sounds like something I could see myself doing!
    And you are so brave to share with total strangers the side of you that we all have, but don't want anyone to know about. You are my hero:)
    Mandy May <3

  14. Kiwi~ I will ;)

    Anon~ Thank you for the encouragement,And YAY that it gets better:) I too, soon, will have the T-shirt!!!!!!

    Tiffany~ Thanks girl, I am proud, and my hubby is very proud of me too ;)

    Mandy~ I was wondering where you were! I missed my biggest cheerleader :)
    Thanks sweetness!

    ~Princess xoxo

  15. Yes... it's not just being without cigs for 2 weeks, but w/o sex for a week... and you haven't gained any weight!!! Wow!! You really do rock!!! Congratulations!!!! Another think they say to replace a cig with is a glass of water... you may be water logged by the end of the day... but at least you haven't smoked and it's good for you!!