THE OTHER SIDE OF ME

Hi.

I'm back.

I know.....you didn't know I was going anywhere.

Neither did I.

That's why I haven't posted in a while.

I didn't just get back from a cruise....or vacation....or even the grocery store.

I just got back from a very dark, lonely, scary place that I don't like to be.

I just got back from the other side of me.

I have a secret................

I'm kind of Bipolar.

Okay........not kind of.

I am Bipolar.

Don't judge me.

Well, I guess you can if you want to.

I'm not one of those people you see standing on a street corner talking to myself.

We're not all crazy.

Some of us are just really MOODY bitches.

I try to find humor in everything, because life is just too serious.

That's why in all of my other posts, I've put funny or cute little pictures to lighten the mood, or even make you smile.

But you won't find any of those pictures in this post.

Because it's not funny.

This is part of my life.

 Part of who I am.

This is actually kind of hard for me....but just in case there is someone out there......who knows what I'm talking about......and might feel kind of alone......and needs to know that you're not..........

You are the reason that I'm sharing.......the other side of me.



I've felt safe for a long time now.

I'm thinking it's been around 4 years now that I have felt normal and that I have convinced myself that I'm just like everyone else.
And that was after about 2 years of being an experimental guinea pig and going through a nightmare-ish hell until we found the right combination of medicine to balance me out.

My doctor told me that I will have "break-thoroughs" for the rest of my life. You know, times that either depression or manic phases will come back, even though I'm medicated.

Lack of sleep, stress, and hormonal changes are the biggest triggers for break through.

But after such a long time without any problems, I didn't see this one coming.

And neither did my husband.

If you have been reading my blog, you know that the last entry was about me emotionally detatching myself from my husband and not knowing why I was doing it.

And that I got all emotionally out of control because he wasn't reading my mind and trying to "fix" this problem that he wasn't even aware we were having.

And that ended with me being punished late that night for breaking like 10 rules.

Well, it was so late, and I was so tired that night, that I didn't get that time after my hubby spanked me to "reconnect". Which I really needed. Especially since I felt so emotionally distant from him before he spanked me.

I slept horribly that night, and that should have been my first clue. I mean, what makes for a better nights sleep than a good old fashioned spanking, right?

Not this time.

The next 3 days were a downward spiral for me. Not ever feeling reconnected to my husband, not sleeping at night. My emotions felt locked up. Like I couldn't change them. No matter how much we talked or how much I tried. I just couldn't shake it. I blamed my continually spiraling out of control mood on lack of sleep and PMS. And I blamed my poor hubby for not being able to "fix us" when it wasn't an "us" thing, It was just a "me" thing.

We even tried a good girl spanking on Tuesday night. A good girl spanking can fix anything and always helps us reconnect.

Not this time.

By Wednesday I was in such a bad place mentally that I called him at work and told him that "this" (DD) wasn't working anymore. That it wasn't making us better anymore. That it wasn't "fixing" things anymore.



And then I hung up on him.


Then my brain became foggy and couldn't think straight anymore.
 Everything around me seemed dark and distant and hopeless.
 And I was so tired.
 And it scared me.
 And then, suddenly, I remembered feeling that way before.
 A long time ago.
 And then I knew what was happening.



A medicine tweak and finally some sleep brought me back to reality.

The next day I woke up feeling brand new. I felt amazing. I felt that connection with my husband that I thought was gone forever. I smiled a lot that day and laughed for the first time in 4 days, and my hubby said "It's so good to hear you laugh again Princess."

And that made me smile again.


I caught it before it went too far, but I'm angry that it went as far as it did before I realized what was happening. I could have ruined everything.

 Feeling safe is a wonderful thing, until it's taken away.

I don't feel safe anymore.
I can't.
My medicine isn't a cure.
It's a temporary fix until next time.



But for now, I'm back.
And I'm glad to be back.
I'm happy.
I'm in Love.
I'm smiling.
I'm laughing.

I'm Princess again..........but sometimes it sure is tough.



~PRINCESS XOXO

I HATE WOOD!.......About last night.........

What the heck is wrong with me?

Can anybody tell me??

I confuse myself most times, so I can't even imagine how much I confuse my poor husband.

I was in a really good place yesterday, physically, mentally, emotionally. So I don't know why I messed it up.

But I usually do.

It had been a long time since I have gotten a REAL punishment spanking........until last night.


I spent the afternoon with my boys making home made enchiladas.

It was getting kinda late and I was getting kinda tired, but was waiting for my hubby to get home from work.

He was in a good mood, told me how great the enchiladas were, everything was great...

Except the fact that I felt emotionally detatched from him. I made myself emotionally distant from him. I can do this by not making eye contact with him. He knows this. When he senses I'm doing it, he usually puts his finger under my chin and MAKES me look at him. But he didn't last night.

He didn't do anything wrong.

He didn't say anything wrong.

It was all me. But why?

He must have sensed it too, because he asked me if I was ok.
I, of course, told him I was fine. I mean, what else could I say? I didn't know why I was doing it.

So we went to bed and I was cuddled up on his chest, with my face no where near his.

Then out of nowhere I got mad.

Now get this....I got mad at him for not caring that I was keeping an emotional distance from him by not making eye contact!!

I know, right?!

So without saying anything I moved back to my side of the bed. He just looked at me for awhile. I know he was confused.

HIM:  "Do we need to talk about this?"

ME:  About what? (I Knew)

HIM:  "About why you just moved away from me like that."

ME: Well, if you're not going to care about this distance between us, why should I!    O.o



(YUP.............I know)



HIM:  "I told you I felt something was wrong, but you kept saying we're fine. and now you're being disrespectful."



Now, I'm going to save you and myself the misery and embarrassment of my next few sentences.

Bottom line: I dropped the "F BOMB", I tend to do that when I'm really mad....and that's one of our rules.



HIM: I'm going to go in the living room, and in 15 minutes, I'll be back!"

ME: What are you? The terminator? "I'll be back!"...........No, I'm not THAT stupid, I didn't SAY that out loud, I just thought it.


So I was still upset, and convinced that I was right, but not mad anymore. So I finished watching Everybody Loves Raymond, and was very tired. I KNOW 15 minutes had come and gone, so I turned off the T.V. and my lamp and got all comfy.

A few seconds later he came in and turned the light on.

HIM:  "I'm not done. Get up."

ME: You obviously can't tell time, It's been way longer than 15 minutes, It's 11 o'clock, I've got to get up early to take the boys to school, I'm going to bed!
(ok, so not a wise thing to do, but I actually did say that out loud)

HIM:  "I'm tired too, I've got to be up by 5 a.m., now GET UP!"

ME:    You've got to be kidding me? I can't believe you are doing this!

HIM:   "Now get me the hairbrush AND the wooden spoon."

I just sit there staring at the floor, contemplating my fate. Wondering what would happen if I told him no,...... Wondering what would happen if I told him to get it himself,.... He knows how much I HATE that wooden spoon! It's not even REALLY a spoon. It's really thick and heavy and instead of being round it's more square. I'm pretty sure it could be considered a deadly weapon in some states.

HIM: "I don't even know how many of our rules you have broken tonight Princess!"

Hmm. lets see.
1. obediance
2. respect
3.swearing
4.temper tantrum
5.going to bed angry
6.won't communicate
7. multiple warnings
8.continual irritated/grumpy mood
9.being stubborn
10.having a smart/sassy mouth

Wow. 10. That's a record for me. I figured I better not push it any further.

So I got him the stupid hairbrush.
And I got him the stupid wooden deadly weapon spoon
And I got into position.
And he spanked me forever.
And today I have more marks on my right butt cheek than my left one.
And that really bothers me cuz I'm a little OCD.

But I'm not gonna tell him that!

         



~PRINCESS XOXO

PRINCESS GETS PISSED: DEFENDING TTWD

First off let me start off by saying that I CAN NOT STAND IT when people HIDE behind "ANONYMOUS".

Now, don't get me wrong, I do respect every ones right to their own opinion.......

 HOW-EV-AH...... If you feel the need to give me YOUR opinion...........Get ready, cuz I'm about to give ya mine.

So the fact that you couldn't tell me who you are before you decided to insult everything about me earns you no respect.

It does however let me know that you are a coward. 

A judgemental coward.

Yes, I do submit to my husband.

Yes, my husband does spank my bare bottom when he needs to.

I know, I know, you're clutching your pearls and feeling faint right about now, huh?

Well, suck it up buttercup, I'm not done.

You say that I am "weak" because I submit to my husband.

My response to that? It takes more strength than you will ever know.

You say that I am being "forced" to live this life?

My response to that? I choose to submit to my husband. There is no force.

You say that I'm "brainwashed" because I live the life that I do.

My response to that?  It was MY idea to live this life. Not my husbands. So I guess if ya want to feel sorry for someone, you should feel sorry for him. I am the creator of this Diabolical Plan to control myself..........

You say that I am "mindless" to give control to my husband.

My response to that? I do have a mind of my own. And I'm giving you a piece of it right now.

You say that My husband could never "respect" me because I'm showing "weakness".

My response to that? My husband has more respect for me now than he ever has. Because I show him respect. It's a two way street.

My husbands response to that? "What a BITCH".

You say that my lifestyle "disgusts" you.

My response to that? If anything about me, my life, or my blog bothers you, quit stalking my blog. K? Thanks.

You say you're "happily married"?

My response to that? I'd like to hear that from your husband when you and your flying monkeys aren't hovering over him on your broom.

You say that it's "acting childish" that my husband spanks me?

My response? When my husband spanks me it makes me more "child-like" and he finds that adorable.

I feel sorry for YOU too.

That you are such a hard ass that you are afraid to be vulnerable.

That you will never feel the intense connection and closeness that living this life brings.

That you are so judgemental, that you have nothing better to do with your time than to try to tell me, and probably others too, how to live our lives.................

So we can be perfect like you.(ROLLING MY EYES)

I also feel sorry for your husband.

It must be really hard to live with someone who is so perfect.

And I'm sure he feels emasculated having to wonder every night before he goes to bed if his penis is still bigger than yours.

Yup. I went THERE.                                          


SMOOCHES,
~PRINCESS XOXO

MY GIFT TO YOU

I gave you my heart a long time ago,

I gave you my mind, my body, my soul.



I gave them to you, so we could be one,

Two lives meshed together, is beauty unsung.




I give you my eyes, they are only for you,

to lose yourself in the puddles of blue.



To search, to look, to try and find,

That ever elusive window to my mind.



I give you my lips, to softly kiss,

forever getting lost in that sweet, tender bliss.



Each morning, each night, and all through the day,

I'll be loving you always, come what may.




I give you my ears, to hear when you call,

not just when you need me, but anytime at all.



My ears will hear the tone of your voice,

 I'll know I'm in trouble, and that there's no other choice.

.

I give up my ego, and my excentric ways,

to you, my husband, I want to obey.



I give you freely, my stubborn side,

And while I'm at it, I give you my pride.



I give to you, my repect and my trust,

To live this life, It's an absolute must.




Since I gave you my trust, you have more than you need,

So I know in my heart, you will take care of me.



 I've given you everything, Yet I know I will live.

 And that is my proof , that I will try to submit.




All of this giving has made me weak.......

Now how will I stand on my own two feet?




What have I done?........ Have I made a mistake?

I guess that's a chance that I'm willing to take.




I gave you every part of me, so how will I survive?

I will live for you my husband, as long as you're by my side.




Since I've given my all.... I have nothing left,

but I want you to know, I have NO REGRETS.

 My husband, it's you, that I simply adore,

and I want you to know, that I need nothing more.



I trust you with my very life,

and forever I will be..... your devoted wife.



But if I should fail, please understand,

 It's never done intentionally, and I'm doing the best I can.



  You know I'll never be perfect,

 I can't just bury my head in the sand..........


But I can trust that you will lead me back,

 with your strong and loving hand.

  
~YOUR PRINCESS XOXO

NEW RULE

I have an addiction.




Actually, more than one, but I'll save those for another day.




Not to drugs. Not to alcohol. Not to gambling.





Hi. My name is Princess, and I'm a shopaholic.





True story.


Now in the past, if I didn't have anything else to do, I would just go running around from store to store just to "look".

But........that's not what really happened.

My "just looking" trips would end with me bringing home lots of stuff that I didn't NEED. I just WANTED them.

It would be nothing for me to run into the store, with only 3 things on my list that should have been no more than $30, and 2 hours later coming out of said store with a $250 receipt in my hand.

If I wanted it, I bought it. And my hubby was my ENABLER!!


He would say "I want you to have everything your little heart desires", and "I'm so proud that I'm able to give you all these things".


Now you know where the name PRINCESS comes from.


We live in a pretty small town, and I'm not a social butterfly by any means,Yet anywhere I go, all the sales people know me by name.


And they all know that I'm a princess too.




Now, I am not proud of this....... but....... the way I was treated in these stores was almost as addicting as the shopping.





You know that part in PRETTY WOMAN, when Julia Roberts came into the store on Rodeo drive, dressed to perfection, and the same two women who wouldn't give her the time of day earlier were tripping all over themselves to help her now??






That was how I felt. And it was SOOO intoxicating! I know, I know......................

But..........in my defense........I have also walked a mile in her thigh-high-hooker-boots when she was still a prostitute.




No, I have never been a prostitute. You know what I mean. When she was treated like she was nothing because she had nothing.




Now at the time I was doing all of this shopping, I was on a high. A temporary high.

All the things that I bought, that I just "had to have", brought me very little happiness when I got home with them.

I would be hanging my new handbag with my many others and think, why did I buy another handbag?

 I sure didn't NEED it.


I just WANTED it.

I would be hanging  my new clothes in my already-over-stuffed closet, and thinking to myself...I'll probably never even wear this,.....I don't know why I even bought it.



Do you see what was happening? I was feeling guilty.


 I didn't realize that was what I was feeling until recently.

It just dawned on me one day. The unhappy feeling I would get after I brought all that stuff home was guilt.

I felt guilty that I was spending so much money on things I didn't need, and I didn't want to feel that way anymore.

So, how do you stop the guilt? Well that's an easy one. Stop doing the things that make you feel guilty.... DUH, right?





I did try.





Honest.




 It's just not that simple.





 I've been doing this same thing for YEARS, and it is something that I have become known for, it kinda even felt like it was part of my identity.


  So I knew that I needed help.

I asked my hubby to give me a personal monthly budget that I had to stick to. Wow, now that I see it in writing, it sounds crazy. Most normal people would never ask to be put on a budget if they didn't have to.





But I guess I'm not normal.








So hubby did.





 I now have a personal budget that I am held accountable for.





But that's not all.

There is this one store in particular that I can just loose myself in for hours and buy all kinds of things that we don't need. So now, I have to make a list of things that we need from this store, prepared the night before I plan on going and hubby has to approve the list. I am then required to have the original receipt, along with the pre-aproved list together for him to look at when he gets home.


 This has not been easy on me.



 I still have that tendancy to think, oh, thats cute, and want so badly to throw it in with the rest of the stuff  and hope he won't notice that one extra thing on the receipt.






 But I don't.



It's amazing how, when I know I will be held accountable for something, it really makes me think on a whole other level.




 So I've done soooo good at this one store........YAY ME!    







BUT..............





The first month I was on this budget, I failed.








 EPIC fail.


 I was given a credit card with X amount of dollars on it to last me the month. That was just for me to do anything I wanted with.

I had used all of it before the month was half over. It really made me see how much I spent and how fast I spent it.




But then this one pair of shoes came out at one of my favorite online shoe sites.......they were all silvery and sparkly and I just HAD to have them.

So, guess what happened?










Yup. I bought them.







Just not with my money.




I knew my budget was already gone, but surely he wouldn't notice one extra little thing on the bank statement?



Well.................I didn't even get that far.







I don't always think things through.







 See, I have this thing I do, every time I get a new pair of shoes, I take pictures of them and put them in an album on FaceBook. That way me and all my shoe obsessed FB friends can see each others shoes and know where we got them, and how they fit, etc. etc.




 After I had those silvery sparkly awesome shoes blended in with the others in my closet for about a week, I realized they were not in my FB album.









So I put them in my FB album.

















 Where my hubby saw them.

















Cuz were friends.









So the whole time my hubby was spanking me, I kept picturing those dang shoes that earned me that trip over his knee, and wondering if they were really worth it.................




That answer I think I'll keep to myself for now.

~PRINCESS XOXO

50%......LOVE VS RESPECT...BUT WHO WINS?

So I'm sure everyone already knows that statistics show that 1 in every 2 marriages end in divorce.

 That would be 50%.

That's a very scary statistic. That means if you are reading this, one of us will end up divorced.

I'm pretty sure that I had something to do with that statistic being so high. Just call me Elizabeth Taylor.
















So I decided to research that statistic and see what "The Powers That Be" had to say on the subject.

This is what I found:

1. You decrease that statistic by 30% if you earn over $50,000 annualy.

Makes sense I guess. If you have money, that's one less thing to fight over.........



2. You reduce that statistic by another 25% if you graduated college.

I don't agree with this. Book smarts and education do not make you a more kind person, a more loving person, a more trustworthy person, a more devoted person or an expert on relationships.

 Think about this... back in my grandparents' and great grandparents' day, most of the men had only a sixth grade education because they were needed to help their families' survive by tending the crops and taking care of the animals.
And most women were not afforded the luxury of an education at all, most of them were married and having babies by the time they were 15 years old, but yet the divorce rate back then was pretty much Zero............So lack of education can't be blamed for the divorce rate.



3. You can reduce that statistic by an additional 24% if you have a baby within 7 months of the marriage.

Ummmm. I don't get this one at all. Kids put additional stress on an early marriage when you are just learning to live with one another, and we devote so much time and energy caring for a baby that the marriage is neglected............so that can't be it either.



4. You can reduce that statistic by another 24% if you are over 25 years old when you get married.

Well that's an answer that looks good only on paper.......common sense would make you think that the older you are, the more mature you are. And that maturity would make you able to handle the stresses of marriage better than someone younger.

BUT......Taking you back to my answer on #2...........50 years ago it was common place to get married between ages 13-16, and they STAYED married.....................so that again, is not it.



5. Go ahead and reduce that statistic by another 14% if your parents are still married.


I'm not convinced of this statistic either. I know of families that have never had a divorce in their family tree, but then it happens, someone will get divorced and chop down that perfect family tree and use the wood to build a new house after they lost theirs in the divorce.

 And on the opposite end of the spectrum, take my family for example, my mother was divorced, but 3 of my 4 brothers are still married to the same women for many, many years now.

 And my 4th brother? well he never got married at all.

 So out of the 5 of us, I'm the only one who's been divorced............So once again, that can't be it.

 I'm thinking all these highly educated, statistic- making people would be pretty pissed off at me right now because I'm kinda calling them liars.




6. And finally, again reduce that statistic by 14% if you have a religeous affiliation.


Isn't it funny that, according to statistics, money, education, and children all DECREASE the divorce statistics more than GOD??


I guess I'm going to stay neutral on this one.


 I have known MANY people who hide behind church. In other words, they are judgemental, and mean, and cheaters, and liars and unforgiving in the outside world, but when they are sitting in church they pretend to be something they are not, and have a lot of people fooled.

But equally, I know some people who have never stepped foot in a church and they are the kindest most giving people you ever will meet.

My personal beliefs on this issue are, I do believe that with GOD all things are possible, and he should be the CENTER of a marriage. He is the glue in the center that holds a husband and wife together.

 But I also belive that you don't have to go to church to have GOD in your life. GOD is where you ask him to be, he's not just in a designated building only on Sunday.



So, let's see.....I'm horrible at math, but let me try to do this........

According to statistics:

30%  for making lots of $$
+
25%  for graduating college
+
24%  for having a kid within 7 months of marriage
+
24%  for being 25 years old before you marry
+
14%  If your parents are still married
+
14%  if you go to church
__
= 131%   Ummm. this doesn't add up.

Now, I'm no smarty pants, but how can there be more than a 100% chance that you will stay married?? Hmmm.

Anyway, according to these 6 statistics, if you make lots of money and graduate from college and are 2 months pregnant when you get married and are over 25 and your parents are still married and you go to church regularly, that you will never, ever, ever, ever get divorced.

But yet, I personally dis-proved 4 of the 6 statistics and then I agreed with one and stayed neutral on one.

UGH. more math!

So...

131%

minus

25%  for disagreeing that college keeps a marriage from falling apart

minus

24% for disagreeing that having a baby within 7 months of marriage will prevent divorce

minus

24%  for not agreeing that being 25+ years old means you won't get divorced

minus

14% for disagreeing that if your parents are still married, you won't get a divorce

= 44 %

Hmmm. So according to these statistics, I have a 44 % chance of staying married.

Now I'm no Albert Einstein, but I do have my own opinion on why the divorce rate is so high. And it doesn't involve math or science, Just plain old common sense.

Men need RESPECT and women need LOVE. Very basic stuff here. And, sorry ladies, but it starts with us (Just like Adam and Eve) .

Just hear me out.

When we get married, we do so because we are in LOVE. Our man obviously LOVES us, if he didn't, he wouldn't have married us, right? So he is already giving us what we NEED from the beginning, LOVE. He is our white Knight, our Romeo, he is PERFECT. That's how we see him when we get married.

Now as the marriage begins, we notice little things from day to day....... "He just leaves his dirty clothes on the floor.......and I know he's just waiting for me to pick them up!"......" How hard is it to put a dish in the dishwasher anyway?"..............."He's doing this on purpous just to make me mad!!"........  "He's a grown man, why can't he hit the toilet when he pees?".......

Then RESENTMENT builds in us, because we are starting to see that he's NOT so PERFECT. How could we have been DECEIVED like this??!!

And this is where the downward cycle begins.



He still loves us, same as he did the day he married us, but that resentment we have builds, and sooner or later it has to come out. "I could use a little help around here ya know!" "I'm not your mother!"  "Clean up after yourself, will ya?!?!"........................

We have just shown him that we now know that he's not PERFECT like we thought he was, and we have shown DISRESPECT for him by venting the frustrations we have with him. He feels HURT. We have wounded his PRIDE.

So he withdraws from us. Just a little at first. And even though we might NOT know that we have wounded his pride, we DO notice that he has withdrawn from us emotionally........ "Why don't you act like you love me anymore?" "You have changed!" "I don't know what has happened to you!" "You're not the man I married!" etc. etc. etc.

Now this is where it really starts falling apart.

HE feels hurt and DISRESPECTED, which we don't know, because men don't nag or even talk about their feelings much.

  WE feel like he doesn't LOVE us, because if he did he wouldn't be treating us this way, right?  He knows EXACTLY how we feel.....because we tell him exactly how we feel, that's just the way we are.

BUT.......  to him, we're not just telling him how we feel, we're nagging. And he withdraws even more from us, because he feels like we don't RESPECT him and that we're bitching and comlaining about him all the time.

See?

 Vicious cycle.

The more we complain by telling him everything we find wrong with him or that we feel he's not doing right, the more he pulls back and dis-associates with us, because he feels we don't RESPECT him.
Meanwhile, we are feeling like he doesn't LOVE us because he doesn't want to spend time with us or be around us. Can you blame him? Who want's to be around someone who's constantly pointing out everything they find wrong with us?

So, the big picture is, he's feeling like we don't RESPECT him, and we're feeling like he doesn't LOVE us. Neither of us are getting what we NEED from the marriage.

Then pretty soon we're hiring divorce lawyers and fighting about who gets custody of the dog and filing bankruptcy.

Two lives broken, a marriage destroyed. All because we stopped giving him what he needs from us.

Give your husband the RESPECT he NEEDS from you, and he will continualy give you the LOVE that you NEED from him.


XOXO~PRINCESS~

THURSDAYS

Why am I up at 6 a.m. on a Saturday when I don't have to be? No school for the kids, hubby is at work, & this was my chance to sleep in.

 But instead I'm wide awake and the first thought on my mind was spanking.

Why?

Good Question.

So I thought about it, and then it dawned on me, My Hubby forgot to spank me on Thursday.

Let me explain..........I get a spanking every Thursday wheather I need it or not.....Yes, just like a maintainence spanking.....but We don't call it that, remember? Because I'm not a car ;0)

It's my Good Girl spanking, to help remind me to keep being his good girl. I get Good Girl spankings other days of the week sometimes, but always.....ALWAYS on Thursdays.

PSST.........HEY........ OVER HERE.........FORGETTING SOMETHING???

Things have been kinda crazy around here lately, so much going on, and Hubby has been getting home from work pretty late.

BUT..........

He has never forgotten my Thursday night spanking before.......and neither have I!!

Granted, I got a punishment spanking on Monday AND Tuedsday of this week................But what about Thursdays? I have grown accustom to Thursdays.............I like Thursdays............and now I also realize I NEED Thursdays.

If our lives have become so busy that we BOTH forgot about Thursday, we need to slow  down and make more time for us.

I don't know why, but for some reason lately, when I try to recall the last time I was spanked, It seems to me that it was 4 or 5 days ago...........when In reality, it's only been 2.

It may sound crazy, but I honestly think I need to be spanked more often.

Spankings do so much for me.

They unclutter my mind when It's overflowing with worries and junk from the day.

They center me and keep me focused on what I need to be focused on.

They help me sleep better.

They make me feel more connected with my hubby when life takes us in so many different directions.

They make me feel more feminine...more like HIS woman.......the woman I want to be.

They help keep me in a submissive state of mind, especially when I don't feel like being submissive.

They make me feel loved, safe, treasured and adored by my hubby.



They make me feel.........................like a PRINCESS ;)  <3<3<3

~PRINCESS

HOW I FEEL

How I feel before, during and after being spanked

Before...

 

 

A deep arousing sensation wells up inside my lower abdomen when you firmly tell me you are going to spank me. It is partly sexual in origin, partly emotional.

The sexual aspect has to do with being naked, over your knee, close to your body. It has to do with you seeing my bottom bare and vulnerable. It is the feel of your firm hands touching me, holding me down. It is knowing we will share loving feelings when it is over.

Emotionally, it is knowing you are in charge and will handle my behavior and make decisions without my input. It is a pleasurable feeling to have you deciding how I will be disciplined – comforting at some distant level. The nature of this pleasure is what draws me to you, allows me to give consent for you to accept control. I know it will hurt, but I will never be hurt.

It is wonderful to have such trust in each other. We do not get an opportunity for that very often – to have complete trust in another person. It is rare and unique. I do not consciously think these thoughts each time – my body's sensation is enough to flood me with a sense of wellbeing. It leaves a smile inside me.

 

 

 

During...

 

 

Fear – definitely fear – not of you, but of the spanking. Excitement... as I go over your knee, as my panties are being pulled down, when I feel your leg go over mine to pin me in place... giving up control to you... moving to a place where I have to obey... where you are in charge, and I will be cared for and taken care of, where I feel you totally engaged with me.

Pain... while the actual spanking is happening, I think of very little else but the pain. I am begging for it to stop, I want to make you stop. I just hurt so badly, I have an almost overwhelming urge to interfere with the spanking, my hand, kicking, I want a pillow on my backside, so you cannot spank my bare bottom. I want to jerk my bottom out of your reach, but I am trapped solidly between your legs and arm, and I want to cry in desperation.

When it is a truly hard spanking, I feel such helplessness that I cannot interfere with it. I can only choose surrender to your discipline, until it is done. Then toward the end, fear wells up again, as I always think the last spanks will surely be the worst. I wait for those, wanting them to come, but not wanting to feel them, great ambivalence. I am never angry, never. Instead, at the end, I am tired but refreshed, content.

 

 

 

After...

 

 

I need you. Total surrender leaves me very vulnerable. I feel little and tender. I want you to hold me, tightly. I need your arms around me. I want to talk, maybe cry. I feel deeply connected. A very peaceful calm stays with me for a very long time, if it has been an emotional experience, which it always is. It is one of my most powerful experiences, it changes me. It creates a calmness within me that radiates a joyful existence. I notice it every day.

The burning on my bottom is pleasant. If it is tender the next day, I am happy. I enjoy looking at the redness, I enjoy you looking at it too. Sometimes I need you to spank me again. It never hurts the second time, at least not much.

There are really no negatives to a discipline spanking, except the spanking itself, but even this is not true. I like that too. I like the touch, even if it is painful; it is a path to a place I need to go with the one who holds my deepest trust.

This is not my work, but it is............................How I Feel.

~PRINCESS

TATTLETALE!

I broke a rule yesterday.

 Not a major rule, but I still broke a rule.



My hubby sees things only in black and white. No grey. I happen to like grey.

 It doesn't matter if I broke our most serious rule or our least significant rule, a rule is a rule, and it's there for a reason. Say it with me class.....................
"A Rule Is A Rule, And It's There For A Reason."

We just added some new rules to our list not to long ago, and I thought..No problem.....I've got
this.




Well................. not so much.



 Old habits die HARD. I just got into a lot of trouble for breaking this same rule twice about a week ago. I didn't TATTLE on myself the first time I did it, because, I thought, well, we just started this rule, it didn't hurt anyone, and he would never know anyway. Besides, I'm not a TATTLETALE.



 There was a problem with my line of thinking, because my little secret was breaking another rule. A very serious rule around here. HONESTY. So I kept feeling guilty about breaking that stupid little rule and not confessing it to him. A few days went by and wouldn't ya know it, I broke that same rule again. Then it just hit me like a ton of bricks, it wasn't just a one time accident. It was HABIT! And if I would have just TATTLED on myself the first time, the second time might not have happened.



 So after hubby got home that night, I confessed. To BOTH instances of  breaking the rule. He REALLY punished me for that, but I think it was partly due to the fact that I didn't TATTLE on myself the first time I did it. I didn't think he was ever gonna stop spanking me. But he did, And I was so sure that after that kind of spanking that I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever break that rule again!!!

But I did.

Yesterday.



 I caught myself a second too late.



The damage was done.

 

 Dread came and flooded my body with that "OH SHIT" feeling that you get when you know you're in trouble.  I was SO mad at myself for being so careless and not paying attention to what I was doing.

 

But I had to tell him when he got home, because If I don't TATTLE on myself now, and he finds out later, (and he will) I will be in twice the trouble.




I dreaded having to tell him that I broke the same rule again. 3 times in a week. I felt horrible and was on the verge of tears just thinking about how disappointed he would be in me and how bad my punishment would be since this was my 3rd offence for the same crime. If it was bad last time, it was bound to be worse this time.


When hubby got home he looked exhausted. He only got 3 hours of sleep last night and worked for 16 hours. I felt so bad for him, that on top of everything else, now he had to come home and deal with my Rule-Breaking-Butt.

 But I had to tell him. It would free me from my guilt and he would be proud of me for being honest.



 I let him sit down and drink his iced tea and cool off.  Then I brought him his dinner. When he was done eating, I sat on the sofa right next to him and cuddled up to him and laid my head on his chest.



 I have this thing I do, but I don't know why I do it....... I bury my face in hubby's chest when I'm guilty of something or have something to tell him that he's not gonna be happy about. I not only bury my face in his chest, I sink into him with my face tilted downward. It's an automatic TATTLETALE  sign That I'm guilty of something and I know I'm gonna be in trouble. I had my head sunk down in his chest trying to figure out how to tell him. He knew before I ever spoke. See, I didn't even have to TATTLE on myself... my body language TATTLED for me.



So, here were the words he spoke......"Were you a good girl today?"




 Tears immediately flooded my eyes as I buried my face deeper in his chest, I couldn't tell him!   "Uh-Oh, what did you do?" he asked.



 I didn't want to disappoint him again..............and I didn't want him to punish me again, so I just kept my face in his chest while tears streamed down my face. He then put his finger under my chin to tilt it up to where I had to look at him. "Answer me" he said sternly. Still crying silently, With My face buried in his chest again, I said, "I just don't want to be in trouble again."  Sounding very serious he said,"well, you need to tell me.".

He looked very deeply into my eyes and I told him what I had done. He said "Again?!" I buried my head in his chest again. He could tell by my tears and by my demeanor that I was already remorseful. So after a moment of complete silence, he tilted my chin up again to look at him and said "It's okay. I can tell you are sorry, This will be your freebie. Your only one princess...... no more excuses........... from now on I will spank you each and every time you break a rule, understood??"



 "Yes Sir". The tears kept coming, even in the end when I knew I wasn't in trouble. I sure didn't have a problem saying "yes Sir" then!



He is so good to me, and I know how lucky I am.....Hubby does NOT do freebies, so he had compassion for me tonight. Maybe because he could see that I was more concerned that I let him down again than I was my own punishment?  Maybe because he could see how disappointed I was in myself?  Or maybe he is just that awesome?

I'm dying to know what spell this lifestyle casts on me. I can't lie to him,  I TATTLE on myself,  and even if I'm positive that I'm right in a certain situation, within hours,  my eyes have been opened, and I see that I was wrong and feel guilty and need to come to him to apologize and accept my fate.



I know that sounds crazy....................Who TATTLES on herself, knowing there will be consequences??


I guess that would be me.....................................



I am a TATTLETALE.


But hey, I can live with that.


It's better than living with guilt.......


 I would much rather confess, take my punishment like a big girl and get on with our lives, because........... tomorrow is a new day..........................

~PRINCESS

CELEBRATING RANDOMNESS

I'm bored today. And when I'm bored, my mind wanders and I think of RANDOM things.

Like, How many licks DOES it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop?

Do Lipton Iced Tea employees take coffee breaks?

Why do green olives come in jars and black olives come in cans? Is it because they're black??

Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank ATM's?

If the police arrest a mime, do they still tell him he has the right to remain silent?

How come there aren't "B" batteries?

If Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

So you get my point. I miss my hubby already. I need something to do with my time other than think of silly questions..........But then again, If I could just figure out the answers to all these questions I would be RICH AND FAMOUS!!

Well, a girl can DREAM, can't she??

~PRINCESS

WHO'S KEEPING SCORE?

    I'm 0 for 2, and I don't even like sports.

If you read my last journal, you already know that I got a spanking yesterday morning.

If you're reading this now, you're about to find out that I got another one today.

Today was Hubby's last day off. He goes back to work in the morning. I pretty much won't see him for the next 7 days. He works horrid hours, sometimes going to work as early as 2 a.m. and often doesn't get home until 9 p.m. only to do it again the next day.

So because of that, I usually get a "Good Girl" spanking on his last day off, to help remind me to be a good girl while he's gone. Sound a lot like a maintainence spanking? It is......but I refuse to call it that......I'm not a car.

So this afternoon I got my Good Girl spanking, but it quickly turned into a whole different kind of spanking.

I have issues. (yeah,yeah. I know...don't we all?)
But they are issues I shouldn't have.

My husband has a heart of gold. He's so kind and loving, And he deserves my TRUST  and my RESPECT.

 Those are 2 of our other rules. But here is the problem...........My whole life I've been taught (through experience, not some man-hating camp) that I can't trust any man. So it's part of me, part of who I am. My husband has never given me a reason not to trust him. But the mind is a powerful thing. I can take the smallest, most insignificant comment and run with it, and I don't just mean sprint. Within a matter of minutes I can come to the conclusion that, he's not only cheating on me, but that he has a whole other family in some far away country that I don't know about.

But that's not what got me into trouble today...........

It was the respect. My hubby is no control freak by any means. I don't have to follow him around kissing his feet and feeding him grapes while I'm fanning him to keep him cool.


The only thing he asks is that when we are talking about something serious, that I say "yes sir" instead of just "yes" or "yeah". There is a reason he asks this.......because saying "yes sir" helps put me in a submissive state ( oh, did I forget to mention that I struggle with that too?). AND it is showing him the respect he deserves from me.

So anyway, back to my Good Girl spanking.... Hubby always talks to me and asks me questions when he spanks me. Example: "I need you to focus more on your budget this week, understood?"

How hard would it be to answer with a "Yes Sir"?

 Apparently today I found it difficult.


So when I simply said yes, he spanked me harder. "Yes, what?" (smack, smack, SMACK!)


You know where I'm going with this...........My good girl spanking quickly turned into a semi- punishment spanking for not showing him that respect. He lectured me (he's very good at that) the whole time..." I don't know why (smack, smack) that it is so hard (smack, smack) for you (smack, smack, smack) to say those two little words to me (smack, smack, smack,smack, etc. etc.)"

Good question. I will think about it and get back to you on that......



So here I sit, on my sore, stubborn butt, writting my journal. It's my own fault. No one to blame but myself. So that is why I'm 0 for 2......2 spankings in 2 days........but who's keeping score?

~PRINCESS

I DON'T LIKE SURPRISES

     So, I will admit that over the weekend I got a little frusterated, a little moody, a little grumpy....We were just running and going and doing all weekend long.....and that's just how I get. My mind gets jumbled and crowded and I can't focus on the things that I need to when there is so much to do.

     I didn't have a major melt down or anything, but I just did not stay in a positive mood, and Hubby noticed.

    He was so nice this morning, it was his day off from work and he let me sleep in while he got up and took the boys to school for me. He nicely woke me up and reminded me that I needed to make a phone call. He even had coffee made for me when I got up.....

.

    I, on the other hand, did not wake up in a nice mood. I woke up stressed out because it felt like I had a million (or maybe just 3) things to do. I did not take the time to appreciate or tell my hubby thank you for the nice things he did for me this morning. I just flew into "GO" mode and left him in the dust.

   After I had accomplished everything I needed to this morning, I was getting myself ready for the day. Make up. check. Hair. check. Comfy little sundress. check.

    I was finishing up in front of our bathroom mirror when I looked up. Hubby was looking at me in the mirror and he didn't look to happy.

   He said "come here," as he took me by the hand and sat down on the side of the bed, and before I realized what was really happening, he had me over his knee, dress up, panties down and he was spanking me. No warning. No pre-spanking lecture. No nothing.

.

   As he was spanking me he said, "this is partly for being testy over the weekend, partly for the mood you're in this morning, and partly just because I CAN".

   When he was done spanking me, I stood up, pulled my panties up and looked into his eyes. "Did that surprise you?" he asked. "No." I lied. Well, I kinda lied. It didn't surprise me that he spanked me, after the way I was over the weekend I really expected to be spanked today. It was HOW he spanked me that was a surprise.

   I usually have a two minute warning to mentally prepare myself. So he did catch me off guard...

    It wasn't a horrible spanking. He didn't even use anything but his hand. But it was enough. It got my attention and snapped me out of my mood.


   Then he kissed me, told me he loved me and got up and walked out of the bedroom. Still partially in shock, I straightened myself up and we went out and ran some errands and had a good day together and I'm still in a good mood.

Hmmm...........and I always said I didn't like surprises............... ;0)

~PRINCESS

MY LIFE AS A PRINCESS

 I am a princess.

Well, not a REAL princess that lives in a castle and wears long flowing dresses and a tiarra, but I am a princess.

My husband adores me and spoils me rotten. I have everything I could possibly want, and more.
I have a sick obsession with shoes. I have a whole room in our house that is now my closet. Wall-to-wall shoes....it's really a beautiful thing. The higher the heel, the brighter, the blingy-er, the more attention grabbing,...the more I HAVE to buy them.

 WAIT! WAIT! Don't hate me yet!! There's more.....I'm also a mother that would give up my world for my children, a woman that lives for my husband, a houswife, a friend, a cook, a maid, a waiter, a human taxi, a nurse, an accountant, a sinner, a brat, and even a bitch sometimes....I'm not PERFECT by any means....nor do I have the perfect life....

BUT.....I'm working on it :0)

My Hubby and I live the DD / taken in handlifestyle. I'm not ashamed and I will not appologize for it. It has been the best thing that could have ever happened in our marriage. It works for us.

This is my Journal. It is one of our RULES. I have to write daily in my journal, which used to be notebook entries, and are now Blog entries. My journal is my safe haven. My safe zone. I can write ANYTHING I want in my journal without any of it being used against me in my hubby's court-of-law.

BUT.....there is a catch. (there's always a catch).
Hubby has to read it EVERY night. So even though I can say anything I want, he will always know  what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling................No secrets around here!

I have grown to love my journal. I can vent, ramble, get mad and say things that I could never, or would never say to my hubby. It has helped us so much, because, admit it girls, there are just sooo many things that we just can't talk about, or won't talk about with them that we wished we could.

 That's the purpose of my journal. I always write at the end of the day, and even if there is nothing of importance to say, it unclutters my mind and I sleep so much better, which makes for a better day tomorrow.

It's not always easy, living this life, and I know it has helped me some to read other blogs, from women just like me, who need structure, rules, to be held accountable for actions and words, even though we don't always want it. Who struggle to give up control of things to another human being that loves us and cares for us, even though that control is our safety. If we contol everything, we will never be hurt, or let down, or disappointed, right girls?

Anyway, Just like other women have helped me, I'm hoping my journal may help someone else who might just need to hear what I have to say on a certain day....or might just be able to relate to what I'm going through at a certain time.

We are the few, the PROUD, the disciplined wives.

~PRINCESS