THE OTHER SIDE OF ME

Hi.

I'm back.

I know.....you didn't know I was going anywhere.

Neither did I.

That's why I haven't posted in a while.

I didn't just get back from a cruise....or vacation....or even the grocery store.

I just got back from a very dark, lonely, scary place that I don't like to be.

I just got back from the other side of me.

I have a secret................

I'm kind of Bipolar.

Okay........not kind of.

I am Bipolar.

Don't judge me.

Well, I guess you can if you want to.

I'm not one of those people you see standing on a street corner talking to myself.

We're not all crazy.

Some of us are just really MOODY bitches.

I try to find humor in everything, because life is just too serious.

That's why in all of my other posts, I've put funny or cute little pictures to lighten the mood, or even make you smile.

But you won't find any of those pictures in this post.

Because it's not funny.

This is part of my life.

 Part of who I am.

This is actually kind of hard for me....but just in case there is someone out there......who knows what I'm talking about......and might feel kind of alone......and needs to know that you're not..........

You are the reason that I'm sharing.......the other side of me.



I've felt safe for a long time now.

I'm thinking it's been around 4 years now that I have felt normal and that I have convinced myself that I'm just like everyone else.
And that was after about 2 years of being an experimental guinea pig and going through a nightmare-ish hell until we found the right combination of medicine to balance me out.

My doctor told me that I will have "break-thoroughs" for the rest of my life. You know, times that either depression or manic phases will come back, even though I'm medicated.

Lack of sleep, stress, and hormonal changes are the biggest triggers for break through.

But after such a long time without any problems, I didn't see this one coming.

And neither did my husband.

If you have been reading my blog, you know that the last entry was about me emotionally detatching myself from my husband and not knowing why I was doing it.

And that I got all emotionally out of control because he wasn't reading my mind and trying to "fix" this problem that he wasn't even aware we were having.

And that ended with me being punished late that night for breaking like 10 rules.

Well, it was so late, and I was so tired that night, that I didn't get that time after my hubby spanked me to "reconnect". Which I really needed. Especially since I felt so emotionally distant from him before he spanked me.

I slept horribly that night, and that should have been my first clue. I mean, what makes for a better nights sleep than a good old fashioned spanking, right?

Not this time.

The next 3 days were a downward spiral for me. Not ever feeling reconnected to my husband, not sleeping at night. My emotions felt locked up. Like I couldn't change them. No matter how much we talked or how much I tried. I just couldn't shake it. I blamed my continually spiraling out of control mood on lack of sleep and PMS. And I blamed my poor hubby for not being able to "fix us" when it wasn't an "us" thing, It was just a "me" thing.

We even tried a good girl spanking on Tuesday night. A good girl spanking can fix anything and always helps us reconnect.

Not this time.

By Wednesday I was in such a bad place mentally that I called him at work and told him that "this" (DD) wasn't working anymore. That it wasn't making us better anymore. That it wasn't "fixing" things anymore.



And then I hung up on him.


Then my brain became foggy and couldn't think straight anymore.
 Everything around me seemed dark and distant and hopeless.
 And I was so tired.
 And it scared me.
 And then, suddenly, I remembered feeling that way before.
 A long time ago.
 And then I knew what was happening.



A medicine tweak and finally some sleep brought me back to reality.

The next day I woke up feeling brand new. I felt amazing. I felt that connection with my husband that I thought was gone forever. I smiled a lot that day and laughed for the first time in 4 days, and my hubby said "It's so good to hear you laugh again Princess."

And that made me smile again.


I caught it before it went too far, but I'm angry that it went as far as it did before I realized what was happening. I could have ruined everything.

 Feeling safe is a wonderful thing, until it's taken away.

I don't feel safe anymore.
I can't.
My medicine isn't a cure.
It's a temporary fix until next time.



But for now, I'm back.
And I'm glad to be back.
I'm happy.
I'm in Love.
I'm smiling.
I'm laughing.

I'm Princess again..........but sometimes it sure is tough.



~PRINCESS XOXO